Regret

[liamar]

Now that i have started writing fanfic (sorta), i am finding it hard to stop but also kind of easier to do. which is cool, i guess. i am still on writing only drabbles, i think it will be a while before i have the guts to take on a full fic but i would love to try. until then could you please read and reply. i need to know if i should keep going or just put myself out of my misery. 

this drabble came to me after i read somebody else's fic on sam leaving for stanford. its just John maybe hours, maybe days after and what i thought would be going through his head. i personally think it is a little heavy handed and would love some concrit.

There are a number of things that John Winchester truly regretted doing in his life but the only one that ranked higher than falling asleep the night Mary died was the day he looked Sammy in the eye and told him if he left he was never coming back.  All because he was afraid and this was his last resort. Afraid that if he wasn’t there to protect Sam somebody would take his son away from him. Well something finally did but it was of his own making. He always knew Sammy was different. He could see it in his eyes. At first, the hunts and long night stake outs were exciting for Sam, a chance to be like his older brother who he worshipped. John didn’t know when that changed, maybe the twentieth time they moved house, or the tenth time he forced Sam and Dean to change schools. what he does know was the result. The day he looked into his youngest eyes and saw dissatisfaction, disappointment. That day came long before Sammy even turned sixteen so he should not have been surprised when he found the Stanford letter shoved under Sam’s pillow. He should not have been surprised, but he was. Sam wanted to leave them, run away from the only family he ever knew and it hurt. John forgot that day that Sam had already been running away from them, well running away from this life for years. He forgot that the job of a father was to make sure his sons were happy. Maybe because it had been a long time since he had actually thought of himself as a father and not a commander in charge of his own two-man army. But he remembers now, sitting in another cheap hotel room, watching his one remaining son sleep, remembers watching Sammy like that and praying he would never be taken away. For another long night John Winchester sits awake, afraid to fall asleep like he did the night everything changed, sits, watching, remembering, regretting…..